The Stench of the Consumer Slaughteryard

Terminal 3

The Stench of the Consumer Slaughteryard: The journey over to Tokyo always produces a week of stress in our household. Takayama's blood pressure rises like mercury in hot weather as the idea of 11 hours on a plane is translated by passing days from a travel plan into a reality. It is not that she hates flying it is just that she is intensely security minded and really doesn't respond well to being told what to do in any situation. This last position, not being told what to do, really raises her hackles when the people doing the telling are covered in make up, wear tight uniform dresses topped off with ridiculous bows that even eighteenth century dandy would think twice about wearing. Personally I don't mind the transvestite porters at Heathrow Airport Terminal 3...

The week before departure had run relatively smoothly except for a sudden last intrusion of what Takayama describes as 'Customer Nuisance' and what UK corporate institutions style as 'Customer Service'. Regular readers to this blog will already have a vague idea about the topic of this first postcard, relative consumer practices, even if the title hadn't given the game away.

When we returned from Japan in September we found that our mobile phones weren't working. This is actually the very worst thing to happen to you after flying for 11 hours and then been regurgitated by Heathrow's arrivals procedures. I say the worst because, being under Japanese management supervision, we had of course booked a mini cab and told the driver to phone us when he gets to Heathrow. I wont go into this much further but you can imagine for yourselves the stress this caused at the time.

The cause of this stress was Barclays Bank and a hopeless incompetence in providing customer service. Months before we left for Japan last summer Takayama was approached b a telephone salesperson who informed her that her credit card was being upgraded to one of these new fangled data collecting devices. Takayama boldly resisted and told the person in no uncertain terms that she was happy with her existing card and didn't want it changed. She knew that all that would change would be a massive increase in junk mail coming through her letterbox and the facility of the bank, and their special friends with whom they share information, to trace her every movement by linking her Oyster card and other travel purchases to her consumer purchases. She was adamant, she did not want this upgrade.

The telephone salesperson told her that she had to have the upgrade. Takayama, incensed, demanded to go up the reptilian scales of direct sales responsibilities until a managing supervisor was able to confirm that, "Yes, the advisor was incorrect, you do not have to have this upgrade." Hmmm, the use of the word advisor here could be linguistically flawed methinks! This all being done and dusted Takayama retired from battle to gnaw on the flesh of victory. But all too soon.

Three weeks later, in through the post pops her new upgraded Barclays OnePulse card. Back on the phone she goes and does battle for many weary hours until the bank's customer service agree that they will let her have her old type card back. One problem though, her old one was cancelled when they replaced it with the new data collecting robot card so they would have to issue a new old one (if you see what I mean).

Not a problem, so you would think. Wrong, all monthly debit payments made with this card were now obselete and Takayama had to go through to all concerned and inform them of the problem. This was a bit strange because when they had upgraded her card to the one she didn't want they had managed to transfer all of her monthly payments but now they had to give her back the facility she did want they couldn't transfer her payments without endless phone calls and forms being filled out. This led to new agreements being set up with everyone, all this hassle the result of one unrequested customer service call from Barclays.

Ahhh, perhaps you are beginning to see the train coming down this long dark tunnel now!

The problem then became compounded when Vodafone customer services got involved. "No, no, no." I hear you scream, "Not more customer services!" but yes sadly we were now nicely placed as the innocent ping pong ball of fate between the two heavily dimpled bats that were the instruments of the customer service industry. The end result was that when we got back from Japan we found our mobiles weren't working because whilst we were away our contracts had not been renewed on their monthly agreement. This despite the fact that Takayama had filled in all the forms, made all the phone calls and guaranteed everything was all in place before we left!

As you can imagine, Takayama did her best to roast the 'advisors' over an open hot coal pit but even then the net result was that after hours and hours on a telephone, two sets of the same forms being made out and sent to Vodafone and Barclays, it took ages to get stability back and no end of hassle and problems sorted. All because a customer service dimpled bat in the UK phoned to tell a customer that she had to have something she didn't want and when she fought for the right not to have what she didn't want they issued the change anyway.

16 hours before our flight to Tokyo on 8th December 2009 my mobile registers an incoming message from Vodafone: "Your monthly contract has not been renewed, please would you arrange renewal in the next three days."

Oh yes, now we have almost two hours on the phone to Vodafone and Barclays customers service dimpled bats trying to get them to sort out the problem Barclays caused, Vodafone compounded, Takayama managed extensively and now they had managed to repeat yet again because, as Takayama puts it, "This is not Customer Service this is Customer Nuisance."

Japanese Customer Service

Nuisance, I feel, is too light a word for this shambles but then we arrive for our flight to Tokyo at the All Nippon Airlines Desk and sanity returns in abundance to our lives. We are going home once again.

We arrived at Terminal 3 to find absolutely no queues whatsoever at any one of the six manned desks of customer check in. A young trainee was being supervised by a more experienced Japanese customer service agent, resplendent in uniform with enormous bow, who very quietly and efficiently checked her young charge's every action. As our bags disappeared off on the conveyor belt the trainee gave us our tickets and explained them thoroughly, she then turned the boarding cards over to reveal a map of the Departures Lounge. Writing the departure time and gate number she then traced the path from the lounge to the gate on the map.

I was gob smacked right there and then. So soon on the journey and straight away the customer service mentality of the Japanese had kicked into gear with the utmost splendour.

UK Customer Service

We have all traveled from Heathrow I am sure. Therefore we all know that feeling of sitting in the departure lounge and looking up at that board waiting to see exactly what gate number we should be at. It can take ages for the gate number to come up and in that wait is a stress, the uncertainty, the unknown interfering with our smooth onward journey. As regular readers will know, it is uncertainty that the Japanese really do not like. When you have an ordered structured society then uncertainty is a destructive element and not to be tolerated. The trains run on time because of this basic matter of Japanese physics; The Uncertainty Principle. The theory and practice of this Japanese science is that they allow for no uncertainty.

In that simple map with the revelation of the gate number (an act that all scheduled airlines could perform because they know the planes leave everyday from the same gate number) meant that from the moment we left check in we had been relieved of all uncertainty, the Japanese style of customer service in action.

But wait dear friends, there was more. We were about to leave when the trainee was advised by her trainer of something in a discreet whisper.

"Oh, I am sorry, may I just check, it says here that you have ordered an Asian Vegetarian Meal Ms Takayama. May I ask if that is correct?"

Can you see the beauty? Can you see the light streaming forth from that customer service desk in Terminal 3? No uncertainty and any chance of uncertainty occurring has to be dealt with before it is a problem. Perhaps the computer record was wrong, perhaps Ms Takayama made an unfortunate error but let's check and make sure, let's be certain that we know what we are doing, let's be Japanese.

Regular readers will of course remember how this contrasts with the British Airways experience when an unordered meal was delivered to Ms Takayama's seat, she said she hadn't ordered it, the cabin crew insisted that she must have, Takayama was adamant, the crew went away and then came back and all but insisted that she had to have the meal she hadn't ordered. Sound familiar?

Barclaycard OnePulse

Barclaycard OnePulse is the only card to offer Oyster card,
Credit and Contactless all in one card.

You do not have a choice, there is no such thing as customer service, in the UK we are all just the cattle gathering in the consumer slaughteryard but at least in Japan you are a treasured prize heffer, treated with respect and even get to have sake massaged into your tired flesh as you fly back to the land of the rising sun.

Next: The Stench of the Consumer Slaughteryard, Part Two, Going Home

Coming Very Soon:

The Japanese Bath Culture,
Malls, Shops and Coffee Shops in Meguro,
Mother's Fried Rice
and of course,
The Continuing Adventures of Onsen.

Image from the Onsen Takayama booked for us this trip.